wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
