I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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