He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
