I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
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I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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