I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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