I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
