Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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