So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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