I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
