We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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