9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
