Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
