Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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