my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
