I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
