I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
