Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
