I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
