No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So vagazzling was a success
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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