I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
