when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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