Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i may or may not be watching the land before time
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
