You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
