i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
