I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
