I got chris browned last night
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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