I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
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Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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