Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
