I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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