I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Even my vagina gasped.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
