As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
