It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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