were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
