You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering