so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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