I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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