Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
