I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
