Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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