I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
