We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
