I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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