OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm too high and old for this...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
