Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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