Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
