you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
