His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
