Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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