he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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