I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
