Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
