my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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