they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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