i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
