Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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