Porn is love you can see.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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