Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
