Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
